The Needs of the Giver
John scratches his head. “Why do all my relationships end in the same way? Why do I always end up unhappy, angry and fighting? Do I keep attracting the wrong sort of partner? Is it my karma? It doesn’t matter how much I give, it’s never enough. They always want more and more. Why do I always pick really selfish partners? What’s wrong with me?”
John had just finished describing the end of yet another relationship, a relationship that he had tried really hard to make a success. He was feeling sorry for himself and also angry with his ex as well as with himself.
I asked him to describe the optimistic, happy beginning and the turning point when the relationship started to turn sour. With a bit of help, John was able to describe the initial positives and the eventually emerging negatives of his last relationship.
I then asked him about his second last serious relationship – the initial positives as well as the emerging negatives. Then the same questions about his third last serious relationship. He was surprised to see a clear pattern emerging.
John’s pattern of relating involved jumping in head first into a new relationship, totally focused on making his partner happy. His partner’s needs were all important, and they both were focused on his partner’s needs. They were both so happy, John getting a huge amount of satisfaction out of giving his partner anything that was wanted.
The turning point where the relationship started to sour was one night when John expressed one of his needs. When going out for dinner, John said he wanted Malaysian food. His partner insisted on Italian and John went along, not wanting to make a scene. However John felt resentful. This resentment was the turning point.
There were further occasions in which John felt resentful about his wishes being ignored. Eventually these resentments accumulated into an explosion, one which his partner couldn’t understand. Eventually further explosions occurred with shorter times between each. Their relationship began to self-destruct. John saw his partner as being controlling and selfish, while his partner saw John as needing anger management.
In brief, John’s relationship always ended with him full of resentment and anger. He wanted to know how to change that. We talked of his partners being used to feeling important, and therefore developing the expectation that they should always feel important. I explained to John, that this was a reasonable expectation that resulted from John’s behaviours. If a person learns to expect a certain type of behaviour, it is only natural for them to keep expecting it! John was trying to change the rules of their relationship!
The question was now different. Why did John initially give so much to his partner while ignoring his own needs? Why did he work so hard to set up a certain expectation about the way his relationship worked? Discussing that question led to many important insights for John.
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